Happy Voting Day Australia!

So today Austraila is gearing up to vote, and I’m 14000 miles away. To be honest, I’m not all that bothered by the fact that I haven’t voted and most likely won’t be voting, but I do feel that as a woman I should perhaps feel a little bit more obligated, for lack of a better word, to do so given it took so long for the fair sex to have the right to vote.

While I’m very appreciative that I have the right to vote, I don’t necessarily think that I deserve to have a say in the political happenings of Australia. Truthfully, I have no idea about the different parties or their policies, nor do I really have any interest in it. I realise that I should make an effort to understand, but it’s overwhelming trying to take in all the information, and it seems that more often than not, the opposing parties just slag each other off instead of telling the nation what they are going to do to make positive changes.

I’ve only had to go and vote once before, and it was a less than enjoyable experience to say the least. Here’s the thing about voting, the lines are longer than the Ekka, however unlike the Ekka there is no satisfaction when you finally reach the front of the queue, because there are no thrilling rides or dagwood dogs- there’s just some sourpuss handing out voting forms and the occasional sticker.

So here’s a little something that should make you smile while you are waiting in the queue today.

1. People stand uncomfortably close to you when you wait to vote. It’s almost like they think if they stand right behind you the line will move faster. Here’s a thought- it won’t, so get out of my personal space.

2. Even though we all get 3029384367 letters in the mail prior to voting day, there are still people ready to pounce on you as soon as you reach the gates of the polling booths with more flyers.

3. What’s up with the people who sit under umbrellas waving at cars going past in the lead up to election day? I swear to God more often than not I want to throw something out the window at them, or pull over and ask what the f*ck they are doing, because it just baffles me.

4. I don’t read any of the letters that get mailed to me, so on voting day I am that girl that everyone stares at because I take a flyer from everyone handing them out as I walk in. Then when I leave I go back along the line and hand them all back. (Surpisingly this act is never met with gratitude- the flyer givers always seem genuinely irritated with me that I would have the audacity to invade their personal space and hand out reading material they have no interest in receiving. Imagine that.)

5. It’s always like a race when you are going to vote- you zip into a carpark and then try and walk with haste to overtake everyone in the near vicinity without actually looking like you are trying to overtake them. I fail at this everytime, and what’s worse is that you make a fool of yourself racing to get to the line- you get there,  you silently congratulate yourself on your outstanding race walking skills, contemplate a career change and foresee a potential Olympic gold medal in the sport, and then stand in the same spot for ages hating life and cursing everyone who outwalked you to their spot.

6. Waiting in line is not the place to make new friends. It’s like flying- respect personal space, avoid eye contact, and just wait patiently to get to the final destination, because bitching about it every 5 minutes is not gonna get you there any faster.

7. Speaking of waiting in lines for hours, why the hell are there lines? Get in, tick the box your voting for, and get the hell out. It’s so nice that the woman searching for your name on the electoral role is the wife of your next door neighbour’s cousin who went to school with your sister and you haven’t seen each other for years, but do us all a favour and look each other up on facebook at a later date and keep the line moving.

8. On that note, if you find that you have reached the front of the line and still don’t know who you are voting for, I have two things to say to you; 1) Get your shit together-you have had weeks of mailouts to decide, not to mention been pestered on your way into the polling booths by the different parties, and then stood in line with campaign flyers in your hands for hours, so you have no excuse for having no decision, and 2) When all else fails, either kick it like you did in high school and play a little Eenie Meenie Minie Moe, select box C, or do a null vote. At the end of the day, no one really cares who you voted for.

9. As for that Facebook train of thought, surely with all the technology in the world there is an easier way to vote rather than waiting in a bloody queue for 4 hours. Where’s your app for that, Apple?

10. If we have to wait in line for hours to vote, surely the different parties could provide a sausage sizzle? You wanna win votes, LNP, that’s the way to do it.

11. Why is there only one day to vote? Give us a damn weekend at least to fit it in, if it’s gonna take half the day.

12. Why are we even voting Australia? We all know that Julia Gillard will pull some shit cabinet vote whenever it suits anyway.

As previously stated, I know nothing about politics, but I do know that I would take a whole lot more of an interest if I was handed a dagwood dog en route to the polling booths. Happy voting day Australia, I’ll think of you while I have my glass of wine on the front porch with the California sun setting.